The Power of Belief

“Tonight’s the night Jason. You’re going to do it this time, right?” Henry asked as he accelerated through a yellow light. 

It was about 8PM in Toronto. The wintery night sky had set in, along with some light showers that made the roads reflect every ambient light. 

“You should really stop at those yellow lights, Henry.”

“Stop changing the subject. Tonight is the last night you are going to see Sarah before she leaves for Calgary. If you don’t talk to her now you never will.” 

Jason turned his head to look out the tinted window. Rain drops raced each other to the bottom of the glass, obscuring the view of his only escape from Henry’s questions. Jason had just turned 25 and graduated from Toronto’s most respected university with a degree in criminology. For a guy that wanted to be a police officer, he had a hard time talking to people, especially the ones that left his heart heavy with emotions. 

Tonight was the annual charity gala for homeless and displaced populations abroad, an event hosted by mutual friends. It was Jason’s first time attending. He had a few friends but preferred his own company. New people and new situations made him brutally uncomfortable with. 

The front tire of the car slammed into a pothole and the jolt shocked Jason back to reality. 

“I don’t know, Henry, maybe it would be better if I just left it alone. I mean what’s the point if she’s leaving anyway?” 

“The point is, you need to get over your fears. And what better way to do that than right now with the girl you have been in love with since high school?”

“I’m not in love with her.”

“Okay whatever you say, but don’t come crying to me at the end of the night when she leaves and you couldn’t even have the power to believe in yourself enough to just say hi.” 

“It’s not that simple, what if—”

“What if, what? Who cares what she says Jason, this is about you realizing that you are good enough. You need to get out of your own head and face your fears. How are you going to be a cop if you can’t even talk to someone who you’re supposedly not in love with?”

Jason remained quiet as Henry pulled into the parking lot of the banquet hall. His stomach instantly convulsed with the sight of the dozens of people entering the building. Some of them he recognized as mutual friends, however, the majority were unknown to him. Henry and Jason both exited the car, retrieved their coats from the back seat and started towards the entrance. People were in all types of attire; dresses, suits, and even casual jeans. Henry and Jason, however, dawned stylish suits that were better looking than most guests. The hall quickly filled as they took their seats. Chairs at their table and the ones beside them were occupied with a mix of friends and unfamiliar faces. 

“Hey, let’s go get a drink from the bar before the show starts,” Henry said, pulling Jason along. 

“Wait, I didn’t bring any cash,” Jason said.

“Don’t worry, I got you.” 

Henry and Jason both walked back to their table, weaving in and out of the crowds. When they finally returned and sat down, the ambient music cut off and a voice rang out through the speakers. 

“I want to thank everyone for coming tonight, this is for a great cause so don’t forget to buy your raffle tickets and donate generously. We are going to kick off the night with some musical performances!” 

Jason found the voice familiar, but the large pillar in front of the table obstructed her face and much of the stage. As the live band began their covers of the most popular songs of 2023, Jason slumped into his chair. Without a good view of the stage, he could only listen and slowly sip the odd tasting negroni. About twenty-five minutes and seven songs later, Jason felt a slight tap on his shoulder. He glanced over to his right to see Henry’s face adorned with a grin from ear to ear.

“What?” said Jason.

“Check it out,” Henry said as he motioned his head to the next table. “Look who it is.” 

Jason leaned forward and looked over to the table next to his. Jason’s whole body paused for a moment as his eyes fell on Sarah. She was a tall woman with long brunette hair and piercing green eyes. Everywhere she went, heads would turn. He slumped back into his chair, hiding his body behind Henry and every other person in the way. Anxiety began to fill his body and consolidate in the pit of his stomach. Jason froze in position hoping he would go unnoticed by everyone.

“Seriously Jason, come on just go talk to her.” 

“Yeah, I will. In a bit.”

“Jeez man.” Henry shook his head in disappointment. “If you don’t, I will.” 

Jason remained in the chair with only slight eye movements to catch a glimpse of her. His hands grasped the handles of the chair but slowly slipped away with the gathering sweat on the palms of his hands. When the live performance finally concluded and the DJ resumed the upbeat house music, people began to move around once more. Jason shot up out of the chair and retreated to the main lobby of the banquet hall, stopping for a second to catch his breath.

“Hey, are you okay?” Henry said as he put his hand on Jason’s shoulder. 

“Yeah I’m fine,” Jason said through his panting breath.  

“Dude, what is wrong with you? Why are you freaking out so much?”

“Because I know what you are going to make me do and I just can’t do it.”

“Jason, listen to me. You’re living in your head because you’re so scared to live in the real world. You care so much about what other people think of you that you don’t even know what to think of yourself. You have no idea how much potential you have but you waste it because you’re too scared to trust yourself and to believe that you are good enough. What makes you worse than everyone else?”

Henry paused as if to wait for an answer, but he knew none would come. Jason paced around subtly. Henry was right, but the fear that consumed him was overwhelming. 

“Your problem is that you don’t have any power of belief. You think that you’re not good enough and don’t deserve to have good things happen to you. Jason, you have lived this way for as long as I have known you and I cannot figure out why. You are more than good enough, but me saying this to you isn’t going to change anything unless you believe it too. So, whatever you have to do to make this happen, do it and do it quickly before Sarah leaves.” 

Henry walked back into the hall and took his seat as the performances continued. Jason, however, found himself stumbling to the bathroom, which provided some solace. He placed his hands on the sink top and looked into the mirror. For as long as he could remember, his reflection was never what he wanted to see looking back. It was always just a reminder of all the things he had failed to accomplish, the missed opportunities, and the apparent lack of worth that hung over him.

Jason stared into his own eyes and the ambient sounds were replaced with his own voice. Echoes of negative affirmations flooded his mind, all of which he had told himself at one time or another. The echoes came in waves, repeating over and over, reinforcing what he already believed to be true. As Jason peered deeper into his own eyes, one voice broke free from the echoes, becoming clearer over the rest. 

“You need to realize you are good enough. You need to believe in yourself!”

Henry’s words rang clearly over the rest. It was enough to break Jason out of the trance-like state and return him to the present moment. His eyes fluttered as his sight focused on the whole reflection.  

“Believe in myself, right! What’s the worst that could happen?” Jason said quietly to himself. “I am good enough.”

Jason pulled himself away from the sink top and turned towards the bathroom door. As he pulled the handle and the ambient music filled his ears once more, the symptoms of anxiety accompanied him. Jason sidled up to the doors of the hall and stepped through the threshold. By this time, a buffet dinner had been served and people were up and about. Jason looked over at the table beside his and noticed Sarah still seated with an empty chair beside her.

You can do it, believe you can, Jason thought to himself. He took the first step and then the second. His feet dragged along as if cinder blocks were tied to the bottom of his shoes. Even though the distance between himself and Sarah was only a few steps, it felt like a mile and the closer he got, the bigger everything seemed. Jason dropped into the empty chair beside Sarah, his presence made her turn sharply.

The words stumbled out slowly. “Hi, I’m Jason.” 

“Jason, yeah, we went to high school together,” Sarah said with a smile on her face. “You were in like four of my classes.”

“Yeah! I—I ah, was pretty quiet back then.” 

“And are you loud now?” Sarah smirked. 

“Nope, still quiet. I’m just a bit more involved in the community.” 

Jason smiled, as he eased into the conversation. The stress that he had built up in his head slowly dissipated as they began to share laughs and memories of high school. As the conversation continued, Jason’s mind slipped away from Sarah’s words. He realized in that moment that every excuse he had ever made was invalid and that Henry was right. The conversation continued for several more minutes before a group of Sarah’s friends pulled her onto the dancefloor. 

“We’ll talk after,” she called out.

Jason panned the room and his eyes settled on Henry who was standing by the door. He waved for Jason to come outside. 

“So? How’d it go?”

“You were right Henry, she remembered me from high school.”

“See, told you man, life isn’t nearly as scary as we make it out to be in our heads. Everything we see out here is just a perception of what we believe. You always believe that you aren’t enough and because of that, you never went after the things you wanted, but tonight, you showed yourself the power of belief. Now, apply that to everything you do and you can’t lose.” 

“Damn Henry, when did you get so wise?”