Have you seen the movie Yes Man? This 2008 film directed by Peyton Reed follows the life of Carl Allen, played by Jim Carrey, as he explores what it means to say yes to every opportunity. This comedic film presents the audience with the upsides and downsides of what it is like to be a true yes man. It leads the viewer to think back on their own life, their own choices, and allows them to see that saying yes to everything (when they could say no to some things) can be potentially devastating.
Connecting the concept of a yes man to ourselves, we can ask, have you ever gone through with an idea or plan that you had no interest in because you were afraid to say no? In a yes world, where people are grabbing every opportunity they can, it can be difficult to say no.
Why would you want to say no to plans with friends? Or to a new opportunity at work? Why would you want to say no to a date with someone you may fall for? Or to expanding your horizons and getting more out of life?
It’s because when you constantly say yes to others, you say no to yourself.
Challenge the norm
It can be hard to say no to someone, whether that person is a friend, a boss, a peer, or a romantic interest. Why? Human relations are built on reciprocity, which can make the word “no” a threat to our relationships. It is only human to want to build connections with others, and by saying “no,” these connections can be ruined.
The negativity surrounding the word “no” also stems from a very normal human fear of conflict. Diane Barth in Psychology Today states, “As children, we are taught not to go against authority. We are supposed to do what parents, teachers, and others in power tell us to do. We obey because of fears of being punished, but also because of a desire to please and be loved by these people who are very important to us. We carry this worry with us into adulthood.”
Although we may have been taught to fear conflict, saying yes to someone else is essentially just saying no to yourself. Saying yes to everything on offer may even result in losing interest in things that once brought us joy. Saying yes to every hike as a lover of the outdoors could cause one to eventually dread hiking. Saying yes to every task as a new employee could cause burnout. Saying yes to your friends’ plans every night out could cause some seriously unhealthy habits.
How can we say no?
To stop saying yes, one needs to learn how to say no. Vanessa Van Edwards offers many different ways to say no. Edwards states that “whether it’s declining an invitation or turning down a request for help, how you say ‘no’ can make all the difference in preserving relationships and conveying your message respectfully.”
We can then learn how to heal our fear of disappointing people while simultaneously putting our needs first. One must start small, saying no to smaller requests or offers, and gradually work up to saying no to whatever does not help or interest them.
Put yourself first
To say “no,” you must be confident in what you want and need at the time. There are many ways to gain confidence in yourself and your needs. Life hack author Leo Babauta writes about how saying no can improve mental health and help people lead a less stressful life. Babauta states, “Saying no isn’t easy, but once you master it, you’ll find that you’re less stressed and more focused on the things that matter to you. No need to feel guilty about organizing your personal life and mental health in a way that feels good to you.”
Babauta writes about about the gentle art of saying no and how saying no can improve your mental health. Remember, the focus is not on saying no, but on saying yes to yourself. It can be hard putting yourself first and building boundaries with others.
With the right amount of self-respect and introspection, it becomes easier to say no. So don’t be a “yes man” to others, start saying yes to yourself.