Jennie enters her daughter’s room for the third time this morning. Her footsteps seem to echo into oblivion – emptiness.
A soft caressing breeze flows through a partially opened window, its scent hinting of autumn’s onset. Nestled on the bed is a menagerie of stuffed animals. Mrs. Bunny, her daughter’s favourite, with one missing ear. The other ear, raised as if listening for something in the distance, stares back at Jennie. Its black marble eyes sparkled with her daughter’s snuggling giggles.
Now, it seems they are saddened – lost. Jennie holds the pillow to her face hoping for some scent of her daughter, even just a little, and cries. For Jennie, the grief and sense of loss is real, overpowering. She knows her daughter is alive and well, but this rationale eludes her at this time. Empty Nest Syndrome (ENS) has her in its grip and, depending on her coping mechanisms, it could be staying for a while.
What is empty nest syndrome (ENS)?
For many parents who have a child heading to college or university for the first time, it can be a difficult time if they’re not prepared. ENS is a psychological condition that affects both parents, but mostly the mother. The grief and sadness associated with the condition can go unrecognized.
An adult child moving out of the parental home is supposed to be normal and a healthy transition for some, especially mothers who viewed motherhood as their primary role – an important job and devotion is over, except when their children come home for visits on occasion. Worthlessness, disorientation, and uncertainty for the future rests as a mindset.
The parent most susceptible to ENS is the one who considers change as stressful rather than challenging. An unstable marriage may manifest itself, especially when the children are the bond. Those lacking a strong sense of self-worth, identity, and independence are the most prone to the syndrome. Compounding the condition, if not entirely, are life’s other transitional stressors – single parenthood, menopause, or having to care for aging parents. ENS is not limited to those fledglings moving out to attend higher education. It can be felt when a child marries, being a clear signal that ‘mom’ is not needed in the same way.
According to Dr. Carin Rubenstein, author of Beyond the Mommy Years: How to Live Happily Ever After … After the Kids Leave Home, about 10% of 1,000 women surveyed have a real issue with ENS symptoms. However, this group of women is most likely already prone to depression, which can manifest itself during the passage to adulthood in their children.
The positives of ENS
It wouldn’t be fair to talk about the negative effects felt by ENS without mentioning some of the positives. Recent research indicates that fewer mothers now feel the pangs of ENS because communication technology (cell phones and computers) have bridged the gap between distances. Their children are more accessible when needed.
For many, the parents feel pride and joy during this passage to adulthood, as the fruits of their labour are realized. Just as the child needs to find their own grounding and independence, an empty nester parent can enjoy this newfound freedom to enhance or renew their own new independence, perhaps to fulfill a lifelong ambition. Many return to college, actively engage in a newfound hobby, or volunteer to expand a network of friends.
Coping with ENS
How one copes with ENS is as varied as the personalities involved. It’s alright and normal to weep once in a while or to sit in the child’s room to feel closer to them. But if you find that the emotions involved are just too difficult, that you’re not adjusting as readily as you should or find yourself crying excessively and depressed, seek professional help in getting your feelings into perspective.
The most important thing you can do for your child at this time is to not overwhelm them with your emotions. It’s fine to admit that you will miss them; which loving parent wouldn’t? They already know that. Yet, emphasize that you’re proud of them and will be there if they need you, leaving them space to figure things out on their own. Try to avoid calling them everyday unless they initiate the suggestion.
As a parent, if you find that you’re revelling in a sense of newfound freedom, don’t feel guilty. A healthy, sustained, and loving relationship between parent and child can make this stage of life an adventure for both of you.
It takes the power of love and devotion to build a heartwarming nest. Therein lies the essence of its sustenance. It can never really be empty.